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passionvsmurder's journal
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electrikmurders
think of me
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so expect an LJ name change soon.
think of me
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think of me
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the martyr's arrived. a desperate plea for sympathy its all you'll need. a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting. and never getting help doesn't make you brave. not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith. you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face." i absolutely love that song. and the lyrics. because it reminds me of so many people, the drama queens and love-a-phobes. but it also reminds me to never go back to the person i was. i was so needy, and felt so put upon. when really i brought most of it onto myself. everytime i read the perks of being a wallflower i love it even more. i underline even more. and i apply it to my life. its an amazing book. and "charlie" reminds me of myself. and he reminds me of certain people around me. which only makes me love those people more. the patient,caring, loving individuals. the way he describes and sees things, the way he feels about Sam, and all things that he says about her. They are the most pure/intense feelings. and they're beautiful. that book has the power to make me cry at a moments notice. and it seems that when i read it, i can always apply a part of it to my situation...and to my life. such as : "The thing is some girls think they can actually change guys. And what's funny is that if they actually did change them, they'd get bored. They'd have no challenge left.You just have to give girls some time to think of a new way of doing things.thats all. Some of them figure it out here. Some later.Some never..." and then: " Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve." i really like the last one. because its very true. and we shouldn't, we should demand the love we know we deserve. and settle for nothing less. i hope all is well for the few of you that actually read this. <3
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so here's a quick breakdown of my life recently. i have to stop smoking. i have bronchitis for the 2nd time in 3 months. i went to the doctor. she told me that unless i quit smoking i could have emphazima by the time im 30. i was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis, which means everytime i get the smallest of a runny nose or anything like that, i have to go to the doctor. because i have an escalated chance of getting pneumonia. this isn't a big deal except for the fact that i got accepted to model for a non-nude website, and the owner needs my set shots soon. everyone knows you gain weight when you stop smoking. so i dont know what to do. on the brightside... i am doing a bit of modeling.. which im really excited about. but nervous at the same time because the guy who runs the site can reject the set....and my chance is ruined. this could open the door to so many things. i've been thinking alot lately. about my family and tennessee. and i get this little itch every once in awhile to just leave and go back. but then i listen to the Rascal Flatts song "what hurts the most" and i believe that's how i would feel if i left matt. i have tendency to chicken out when things get tough. when they're not going my way... when IM not happy. me, thinking of myself as the center of the universe im not gonna lie... things are tough here. and supporting myself is tough. but i know if i could just get a decent job, one that pays more than minimum wage.. i would do better. as much as people don't wanna admit it... you DO need money. not to be happy, but to sustain yourself. and your way of life. What Hurts the Most Rascal Flatts I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don’t bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I’m doin’ It It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken What hurts the most Is being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do What hurts the most Is being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do Not seeing that loving you That’s what I was trying to do."
think of me
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Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
1 thought | think of me
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ok so...im gonna admit my latest guilty pleasure. rascal flatts-what hurts the most its such a pretty song. even though its sad. and in a way i can relate to it. and i think that's why it touches me so much, i've always liked the rascal flatts. and alot of their songs take me back to the spring/summer of my senior year, when Josephine and I would sneak out to hang out w/ Brandon and Caleb. we'd go to the docks, or to a haunted railroad. or they would come to my house, and we'd just hang out on the front steps. i always wonder whatever happend to brandon and caleb. then again, i don't. Brandon was probably my first REALLY BIG crush. and of course he was an ass. and broke my little heart. geezz i think back to those days, when i thought everything was so complex. but actually it was quite simple, we just made it complex with all the drama and he said/she said stuff. but i still miss it. and everytime i hear the song "these days" by rascal flatts im instantly taken back to a 3am carride in calebs car, and brandon saying...we heard the most amazing song earlier... and then 2 mintues later it came on. and i remember loving it instantly. i do admit to litening to a bit of country. i believe that lyrics are more important that genre though. the way the lyrics and music make you feel. and those 2 country songs. call me a hick. im okay with that. country music i guess would be guilty pleasure. and i dont mind. I wake up and tear drops, they fall down like rain. I put on that old song, we danced to and then i head off to my job, i guess not much has changed. Punch the clock, head for home, check the phone... just in case. Go to bed, dream of you.. that's what im doing these days... beautiful.
think of me
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you are like a sunset to me. You're all kinds of beautiful as you end my day, and you sweetly retire as the stars chase you away..." i like life right alot.
think of me
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your absence only proves,
think of me
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Coffee black and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am.... Taffy stuck and tongue tied, Stutter shook and uptight. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am...fine...... I am covered in skin, No one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside. I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding. I am, colorblind, Coffee black and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am....fine. I am.... fine. I am fine. people let us down. the dissapoint us. they change for the worse. we can't waste time, praying these people will change. you cannot change these people. no emails, letters, or reason will change that. sometimes you just have to let go. a new apartment :) true story. im can't wait. new friends. :) COUNTING CROWS. :)
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just not to close, too close." im tired of being everyone's quick fix, for a prolonged problem. a quick friend a quick crush. a quick vent. im far better than you 7/11 get in, get out, and get on your way. sometimes i wonder if you were ever really there at all. maybe you're some imagined dream. you always drop, then resurface on my radar. you leave, and then come back. make up your mind this time. im through being your yo-yo. what i really want right now, is movies in the park with alicia keys, arm fat, skirts, long talks,pictures. cafe coco. my old car, with frou frou, rilo kiley, and circa survive blaring on the radio. windows down, sunlight out. sunglasses on. drunk goggles. murfreesboro and all the beautiful people in it. my swimming pool and air conditioning. to watch Adult Swim with my sister. money for cosmetology school. my cell phone to stop getting turned off. a thursday night party done murfreesboro style. Jordan's house. and the writing on his bathroom wall. zach and geoff, a bowl, ATHF, and maverick. Gloria, hunch punch night, crazy frog, a day in the park, chick-fil-a, sponge bob ice cream, drunken talks. alyssa and erica, a talk in the park, broken hearts, drunken nights, an old school FFY show, dial up internet, a birthday party, a beer run. brittney,jessica,derek,stephanie...and the ihop night all over again. Dance Party Stephanie starting the dance party, drunken rides, Kingston Springs, and drunk talks, a better understanding of each other. i could go on forever. i've been away for almost 2 months now. and i miss it more than ever.
think of me
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does it mean your subconcious is trying to tell you something? or that you're just super paranoid??? ick. whatever. my first day off work since tuesday and i woke up at 7:30 and can't go back to sleep. i hate working so much for the amount of money im getting, and im still 3 months away from my $.50 cent raise. on the brightside, matt, nick, and i are going to the the audition/my american heart/emanuel show on June 2nd. it kinda sucks though b/c matt and nick are supposedly on the guest list. which means they have backstage access and shit. so i guess i'll stand out front by myself and shoot the shit. diana and her boyfriend are supposed to be there. and im gonna try and get glo to come, but i lost my phone. seriously no clue where it is. angela is coming up on saturday to do my hair. its gonna look pretty amazing. a huge chunk around my face black. tuesday is two for tuesdays @ the tavern w/ glo,tom, and rob next week. then june 13th (the day before matt's birthday)is another two for tuesday event. im glad its summer and most of the college students are gone. the tavern will be alot more fun now :) i like going and switching the ring matt got me for Valentine's day to my left hand...and the guys that try to hit on me see it, and just walk away. yay! for no skanky cortland boys hitting on me. i really don't drink much at all now. and i look and feel better. im still looking for someone to come run with me. i swear its not fast paced....just a slow little jog. matt and i have talked about moving to south carolina, since that's where both of our parents will be. i think i would be really happy there. close to my parents, he'd be close to his mom. and he might be able to work for a company that actually apperciates all the work he does for them. we also had a long talk about maybe making friends in cortland. there are kids that are into the same music around here, you just have to search really hard to find it. it's so much different than nashville. there's no place like cafe coco, the 5 spot, the end, exit/in where all the kids who are into that kinda thing hang out. there are so many things about nashville i miss. that i wish i could bring up here. Especially Alicia Keys. she just needs to move up here. letters are not enough. and i can't wait to go home and see her. and go to the parthenon, and maybe movies in the park. can you have alcoholic drinks in the park? dancepartystephanie might come visit this summer too. which would be great i miss her a whole bunch too. essentially there are like 4 places all over the world i'd like to visit. the UK-and see matty vanity Louisanna-and see brent Florida-and see sara Tennessee-and see my group. who wants to give me money?????
think of me
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uhmm nightmares. every night for the past three nights. each one about the two things that scare me the most. please make them stop
think of me
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you know in highschool when there's that one girl that everyone goes crazy over? consider my job highschool. and one of my coworkers that girl. now imagine me w/ a huge line, and each shopper w/ about $150.00 worth of food. and no one to bag. and this other girl w/ a small line. and each customer about $25.00-75.00 worth of food. you would think i would be the one w/ the bagger. because i have several huge orders. but no, 2 boys are hangin around. one pretty much runs to her station to bag. the other walks outside to push carts. does anyone else see whats wrong with this picture? thank god for cigarettes and beer. and DP Dough. and good conversation. or i probably would have gone off on someone tomorrow. so many things are crazy right. my ID and SUPER EGO are going at it. (for those that are psychology challenged, what i want to do and what i should do. they're supposed to keep each other in balance) i want to go out tomorrow night. and hangout, have some beer. and fun. i should probably stay home and be the loser that i am. cause i never have to money to go out, but now i do. i got a good paycheck. ahhh. "you can please some of the people some of the time. but you can't please all of the people all of the time." that makes sense now. why doesn't anything else?
think of me
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you know in highschool when there's that one girl that everyone goes crazy over? consider my job highschool. and one of my coworkers that girl. now imagine me w/ a huge line, and each shopper w/ about $150.00 worth of food. and no one to bag. and this other girl w/ a small line. and each customer about $25.00-75.00 worth of food. you would think i would be the one w/ the bagger. because i have several huge orders. but no, 2 boys are hangin around. one pretty much runs to her station to bag. the other walks outside to push carts. does anyone else see whats wrong with this picture? thank god for cigarettes and beer. and DP Dough. and good conversation. or i probably would have gone off on someone tomorrow. so many things are crazy right. my ID and SUPER EGO are going at it. (for those that are psychology challenged, what i want to do and what i should do. they're supposed to keep each other in balance) i want to go out tomorrow night. and hangout, have some beer. and fun. i should probably stay home and be the loser that i am. cause i never have to money to go out, but now i do. i got a good paycheck. ahhh. "you can please some of the people some of the time. but you can't please all of the people all of the time." that makes sense now. why doesn't anything else?
think of me
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i dont give people the benefit of the doubt i never have. with the exception of my mom, and a few close friends... everyone i've ever trusted has let me down. and im so scared. what if i lose you. what happens if you're really gone for good this time? not that there are even any threats. but im always on the defensive. and i dont know how to stop. this is about the time i need mandi and gloria to tell me to stop being so nuerotic. and i hate the way i act. because i demand freedom. i demand that things not be taken as such a big deal. but then when the roles are reversed i make a big deal out of them. i dont want you doing that. i dont want you talking to her. what kind of person/girlfriend have i become. one of those overprotective ones, that ends up driving the boy out of their life..b/c they are so fuckin nuerotic they can't get this notion out of their mind?? and i dont even feel like this all the time. its only sometimes. i guess when im feeling my most vulnerable or insecure. and that's why i feel this way. like im hopelessly doomed, like i will do something wrong. i will do something to screw up. i dont even know what to say. i get myself so worked up about things. and they are absolutely nothing. what kind of girlfriend am i? i guess i just want this to be certain. although i know nothing in life ever is. i dont want to hurt anymore. i dont want to lose him. he means the world to me. <3 my true love. i just need to calm down. i just need to breathe. i dont even know why im acting like this. its not me. its not who i want to be. its not the person i want the world to see. because i know im better. and i know that if i could just sit down and talk to alicia keys she would know exactly what i mean. or if i could talk to my mom. or hang out with gloria. i miss nashville people. it's going to be sad when my parents move. how the hell do you keep even time between 2 parents who are in 2 different states. so much stress right now. no car. working A TON. i know im just having one of my usual freak outs. this will all be better in the morning right? in a fight between the heart and mind. no one really wins this time..... no one raelly wins this time."
3 thoughts | think of me
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someone told me once.. it's those that we care about the most, that hurt us the worst. i've found it to be completely true. and no, this isn't about matt. its about a friend. a best friend. for more than 2 years. and sometimes silence speaks louder than words. and your silence is screaming but i guess sometimes we do what we have to do. or at least what we feel we have to do. because sometimes things do look hopeless, and sometimes people hurt. i guess you should just know that you when decide to come back. i'll still be here. like i've always been. just know that you'll take a little piece of me with you. and i'll never be able to look at the ocean the same again. Into the Airwaves Jack's Mannequin "From an empty room on the first floor As the cars pass By the liqour store I deconstruct my thoughts At this piano And it's all that I Can do to stay With all the things I didn't say to you Before you moved across the country And from the burning building Where I lay As I watch the stars Become the day The LA girls are lacing up their sneakers They run the boardwalks And the beach This fishbowl life is all they need It's everything I needed, too Until I heard the news I'll send this message through the speakers They told me that you moved I'll cross this country on a frequency I am slipping through I am slipping through I am slipping into the airwaves And this is nothing new You are slipping through my fingers And into the airwaves The static's where you'll find me From the corner by the studio The gold-soaked afternoon comes slow I deconstruct my thoughts and I am walking by And on Third Street, the freakshow thrives Santa Monica's alive But something's not so right inside Living with the news I'll send this message through the speakers They told me that you moved I'll cross this country on a frequency I am slipping through I am slipping through I am slipping into the airwaves (The static's where you'll find me) And this is nothing new You are slipping through my fingers And into the airwaves Into the airwaves So hang on It's gonna be a hard day So hang on Don't panic Don't panic there simply is no need It's gonna be a hard day It's gonna be a hard day Don't panic Don't panic we are hanging here We are hanging here I am slipping through I am slipping through I am slipping into the airwaves (The static's where you'll find me) And this is nothing new You are slipping through my fingers And into the airwaves Into the airwaves It's gonna be a hard day (It's gonna be a hard day) So hang on Don't panic, don't panic There simply is no need It's gonna be a hard day (It's gonna be a hard day) It's gonna be a hard day Don't panic, don't panic We are hanging here (It's gonna be a hard day) We are hanging here (It's gonna be a hard day) We are hanging here We are hanging here"
think of me
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Oh, but I'd already tried a bracelt made of gold and a scarlet thread around her wrist. Everything was wrong so we sang sentimental songs. "Oh how seldom we belong but how elegant our kiss." We painted crooked lines but danced in perfect time to a love so much refined, we know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour into a grief know before but never quite like this. Never quite like this All i know now is regret, it follows like a silhouette along the cobbelstone behind me, but has nothing to say except to innocently ask, its voice delicate as glass, "Do you see me when we pass?" but i continue on my way." could be my favorite song of all time. "Memphis will be laid to waste" norma jean.
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think of me
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1 thought | think of me
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